Dysfunctional Dreamer

Listening to: K’s Choice, Almost Happy

Here I am, in the computer lobby again, sitting with Greenpickle (kindly sponsored by the man-with-the-big-hair), to which I have ownership for the day. Two Japanese girls sit quietly to my right, and I’m comfortably cross-legged on the table, waiting. Plugged into my headphones, to the iTunes in this computer, I type idly while I watch Archie go to and fro, lugging his stuff, to move out. Occassionally, an elderly man takes turns ferrying his luggage into the car. It is a truly painful sight. I can’t say that I know Archie well, but well enough to know him before he had his long hair, and beard, well enough to know how well he plays the guitar and sings in funny voices while all of us get high on the school grounds. Besides that, I know nothing about him. Then again, this is how the system in halls work. Some people, are just there, people passing through your life, while some others stick half-way, and before you know it, you have their mobile numbers, their e-mails, their home addresses, know how they dress, talk, walk, smell, and even occasionally, sleep. I guess this is what living together is all about. Especially in a big community like Furzedown, you can’t possibly escape. Or can you? I’m sure if you actually coop up in your room the whole year, you might just be successful. There are people whom I don’t actually know exist, till I see them out of hiding at the fire alarms.

I don't mean to want to hog the internet now, but I guess I am entitled, considering I'm seldom here anyway. The
rest would just have to WAIT. Like the other normal people.

I realized now that I am here, nothing productive comes into my head anymore,and I am rambling. Curses!!! I wonder if they would invent a waterproof pen, and pad, to be taken into the shower, because that is mostly when the inspiration strikes. Not NOW. F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"If I could look beyond your face
And photograph your hidden place
Would I find you smiling in the picture
I don't know what you want
Because you don't know,
So what's the point of asking
You're almost happy
Almost content
But your head hurts
Far too many ways to go
We learn so much but never know
Where to look
Or when we should stop looking
I can love the whole of you.
The poetry I stole from you
And hide inside my stomach
You're almost happy
Almost content
But your head hurts
It's easy to get lost in you
And fall asleep inside of you
I want to return to you
A reason to be here
A reason to be here
No I don't know what you want
And you don't know
So what's the point of asking
You're almost happy
Almost content
But your head hurts"

-K's Choice

posted by nori_b @ 1:32 PM 0 comments

The Waiting...

All the baggage is gone, having dropped them off this morning, at the un-godly hour at 8 in the morning. My back is aching from all the lifting, and being totally deprived of sleep the night before from all the packing didn't help either. I was so afraid that all our stuff wouldn't fit into the alloted space which we rented from the storage place, but everything went well. Said my goodbye(all unglamourously dripping with perspiration, me and Esther, both) to Luisa, who's going home, or rather, is probably home by the time this entry is being written. The lucky bitch...(: Won't be seeing her for the next three months, I reckon.

The state of the halls now is pathetic. I quote "it's like squatting in an abandoned building"-Gonçalo Sousa. It's depressing to be here, among nobody...Gosh,I'm going to miss swivelling in the lobby!
Very soon I'll leave the comforts of my room, forget how my corridor smells, forget how it feels to live in a place where people live side by side, and that they may pop by any moment. Nobody's ever going to knock on my door, hang out in my room, and I will miss the mass of bodies lying on my bed while we watch dvds on my mac. I'll miss hanging out in the B3 kitchen, the individual smells of everyone's room, the going back and forth between buildings, even late at night. I guess I will never experience anything like this, unless I come back to halls next year, which is very unlikely. I must say, despite not liking it that much, I will miss it dearly. Yes, even the guy who plays the electric guitar late into the night, and early in the fuckin morning. Yes Gonçalo, I know his name *is* John, thank you very much. Heeeee...
I bet you I'll even miss the bloody fire alarms, if you gave me time...

I was just thinking, that once I set foot on Singapore soil, somehow London would seem so surreal. Like it never existed. Then when I come back to London,Singapore would cease to exist. Like a friend said, it's like both places exist in a parallel universe, and one reality exists at a time, never both. It's a very strange feeling. I don't know if anyone else feels the same way...Somehow, it's so hard being me, in my room, all the bare walls around me, like I'm there again, for the first time, and I hate it. Fuckin depressing.I don't know if I should rejoice that I'm so much closer to going home, or break down and cry, for this is the end for now. I'm sure, being the sentimental fool that I am, there will be a great deal of sobbing before I leave. The final minutes, seconds, at my doorstep, and I'll just lose it. All composure, all rationality. Nothing else matters, except all my raw emotions. And what with going back to my life before, at least two ,months of it, the wait kills me, and all the starting out again, when I come back, to a new house, a new beginning, a chance to be doing it better, if not any more right. I just want to crawl under my duvet and hide. Just crumble slowly, decay. But I know I shouldn't. That would be the coward's way. F***, don't muddle with my head, just leave me to it.

posted by nori_b @ 11:31 PM 0 comments

And Then, I Was *REALLY* Sick!

The game went splendidly. Portugal won, and boy, it was the most heart-attack inducing game ever! Luisa and me sat in the Portuguese cafe at Oval, prepping ourselves from 6:30, bought some drinks and waited. I´ve never watched Portuguese tv before, and my, it was so strange! Some kind of theatre show with really bad make-up was on, but I must admit, the commercials were very entertaining! The atmosphere at the cafe was nice and relaxed, but it totally tensed up during the game. I realized that I was the only Asian there...but the owner must have thought that I was Portuguese too, coz when they scored 2-1, he brought a round of drinks, on the house, and he asked me what I wanted in Portuguese. Later on, when they did win, some other guy bought us drinks. It was a record for me, for in two hours, I went for *five* pee breaks. Luisa got very tipsy, and the bus ride made me so sick(for the record, I never consume more than one can of fizzy, and it was three, on an empty stomach),I threw up. I must have passed off as drunk. Ironically, Miss Bacelar survived the journey home more than I did. ):
Imagine all the washing up I had to do today, laundry was the first order of the day, and now my Crumpler looks nice and new. (: ((Luisa checked for puke, silly girl!))

I am currently cautiously trying to type this in halls via Gonçalo's new toy. Very nice, but some of the buttons don't fuckin work. Beautiful machine, though(I'm sure he's reading this, and grinning like the fool he is).Am taking a break from packing. Seems that everyone is packing up, Esther, Luisa and me have to pack for the storage people who are coming tomorrow, and Holly is moving out. Very upsetting. It's strange to see my room empty again, and that means I'll be living out of my suitcase till I leave...*sigh*
Managed to pass some cute Russian guy my friend,Halo's number.Small victory, enough for today.
Am very dizzy. My room awaits.

posted by nori_b @ 1:43 AM 0 comments

This Sick Feeling In My Stomach...

Could it be? I'm so nervous and happy at the same time. I'm still kind of apprehensive about going home, so unsure about the next two months. Someone said it could be the butterflies in my stomach...or moths.*grin*

I dread the journey home. Just the thought of being on the plane alone, for 23 hours, all alone, occassionally trying to pass my time asleep. Maybe I should take my little sewing kit along with me...for humour. My discman is the other obvious companion home, if it doesn't give up on me first. *fingers crossed*!

Am currently idling in school, while waiting for my shift to curate the illustration exhibition, from 4-6pm. Went to visit my friend at LCF, to get my forms filled up, and this evening, I've got to get my ass down to the Portuguese cafe at seven for the game between Portugal and England. Crucial. Two people may get very depressed and angry if Portugal doesn't win. I am therefore, practising my swearing in Portuguese..hahaha. Can't betray my portugeezer friends, can I?

*sigh* The past few days have been cold and dreary. Just like winter...just when I've already packed all my winter coats...seesh...I guess jumpers would have to do. But I liked it. The rain reminds me that I'm in London. I'm weird, I know. It couldn't have stayed sunny forever... Today's an exception. Very windy, no signs of rain yet. Just as well...

posted by nori_b @ 1:36 PM 0 comments

I simply love this song. Can't help singing to it still!

So Unsexy

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

posted by nori_b @ 2:05 PM 0 comments

Coming Home

That has all I have been thinking about since last week. I will be home in no time, hopefully, and now that my final exhibitions are underway, the relief is amazing.
Been trying to spend my last days in London fruitfully, though am suffering a little due to low finances, but I shall live. The weather has been forgiving, been sunny all week, and when it rained, I did like it. I miss the rain. It has been pretty hot lately, and it just cools us down a bit. It's nice. It's sunny again, with gentle breezes, great for just a t-shirt and sneakers day.

My hair has grown so long, lately. Maybe I would get a haircut when I get home. Two months doesn't seem very long, but then again, it really depends on the situation.

Been having the weirdest dreams lately, very *very* morbid, don't know if they mean much, but it's disturbing. Maybe it's the influence of Plath's "The Bell Jar". *shudder*
Besides that, all's been good.

I'm okay again.

posted by nori_b @ 1:52 PM 0 comments

Insect Attack!!!

I don't know what it is about my room that makes the tiny little green looking insects want to fly all the way up to the 8th floor, and reside on my ceiling, having some sort of convention. It was disgusting! I only noticed it about two days ago, while chatting to Esther, at 11:30pm. They were hovering everywhere, and it didn't make the least sense, since I didn't even leave food open on the table. Major action had to be taken - 1. Call Goncalo
2. Get dressed, to walk to Tooting Broadway to get insectiside.
3. Ask the fu**er of a security gaurd if he had any insect sprays (to which he looked at me as though I was wasting his precious time, him, just sitting on his fat ass)
4. Walked all the way to Budgeons to get the insect spray. Warm night, and I was highly irritable.
5. Got back, sprayed the room, sat downstairs with Esther for the next 15 minutes.
6. Got the hoover from the reception ( I was trying very hard not to whack the security gaurd with the end of the suction, out of hate)
7. Returned to the room, sucked out all the insects (dead AND alive), lit some incense, aired the room, and *try* to sleep.

Since then, I have been conscious of leaving my room window open. I am constantly paranoid that the annoying buggers would swarm in again the moment I turn my back. Have been sleeping with the door open instead, windows closed, and a small fan to let me breathe.

Cleaned out my room yesterday, trying to pack away my stuff, little by little. I threw out so much, and I try not to cling on too much rubbish.
A friend once said that cleaning out your room was like re-evaluating your life, you didn't know you kept such small bits of it, till you go through them carefully. Bits that you no longer identify with, you throw away. It's like a getting-to-know-youself-session all over again.

My room looks pretty much bare, but I'm taking my time to clean it out. I hate being pressed to rush it, besides, I still have about 13 days to do it! Saka came into my room yesterday, and she said it looks so different bare. It's like it's so impersonal. I guess here the detachment begins.

posted by nori_b @ 12:53 PM 0 comments

Have been in my Alanis Morisette moment.
I thought I really identified with this song.
It's funny how it's so much easier to use other people's words other than your own to describe yourself. I guess everyone goes through the same thing...

Fear of Bliss

my misery has enjoyed company
and although I have ached
I don't threaten anybody
sometimes I feel more bigness than I've shared with you
sometimes I wonder why I quell when I'm not required to

I've tried to be small I've tried to be stunted
I've tried roadblocks and all
my happy endings prevented

sometimes I feel it's all just too big to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do

fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

I could be golden I could be glowing I could be freedom
but that could be boring

sometimes I feel this is too scary to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of losing you

this talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down
under the covers til the terror of the unknown is gone

I could be full I could be thriving I could be shining
sounds isolating

sometimes I feel this is too good to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my joy could do

posted by nori_b @ 12:36 PM 0 comments

Talk Properly, Nori, What Are You Asking?

This was actually a text I'd got from someone. Which makes me think, am I so random sometimes that people don't understand me anymore? Do I not make sense? Maybe things I see make sense in my head, but when I try to convey it verbally, I just fuck it up? How annoying I must be.

Was in the tube earlier on, on my way here(school), and this guy sitting next to me was writing openly in his diary. It's strange, though, I always thought that things like that were personal, done in a private place, not on the moving train going to central london. Oh, how funny the world works!

Went to Brighton beach yesterday, for some R&R, and it was nice and sunny, so decided to lie down on the pebble beach and chill out with Irina (my Russian friend from Hobbs). They are all coming down for my exhibition in Saturday, and may go for a nice dinner after. I've finally found a group of people I don't feel too silly with, people who are more my age, and understand my thoughts, and not be patronizing. Quirky, and manageble.

Do I make any sense at all?

Been listening to John B. Sebastian's ' Rainbows All Over Your Blues'
Exactly how I've been feeling lately.
It was like he was singing to me. EXACTLY. Creepy....

<You´ve been lookin´all down in the mouth
and down at your shoes
Well, baby, I came to give you the news
I´ll paint rainbows all over your blues

I heard you been spending
a lot of your time up in your room
And at night you been watchin´
the dark side of the moon
You don´t talk to nonody
if they don´t talk to you
So Buddy and me came here
to sing you a tune

"I give up" is all you´ve really got to say
It´s time to find a new life style
Cause this really ain´t the way

Let´s go for a bounce
on my trampoline
I can show you the prettiest mountains
that you´ve ever seen
You better run to your closet
and fish out your blue suede shoes
I´ll paint rainbows all over your blues >>

posted by nori_b @ 1:39 PM 0 comments