Dysfunctional Dreamer

This Life- Does It Always Have To Be An Ordeal?

I am in miserable shape. Always. I don't know what keeps me from being happy, laughing without feeling hollow, move on with things in a positive manner and not get hooked up on old feelings. Does telling oneself that things are going to be okay- the trickery of the mind, will eventually make everything seem okay? I know, it's all in my head. I don't need people telling me what I already obviously know. I have done everything that is essentially in self-help books (or the ones which basically point out that we already know the answer to all our troubles, if only we used our common sense...ok this point is pretty redundant...), surround yourself with positive people, to feel good about yourself. It works, but for how long?

Feelings are such complicated things. Why does a person feel extreme sadness, then extreme joy? If one doesn't know happiness or sadness well, how would one recognize it? There is always a possibility that it could plummet even deeper. When? Nobody knows. One can only compare extremities of such feelings to the other experiences in one's life. It could be the happiest-yet. Or saddest. It's like a constant spot-check of the emotional state of being. I really wished I didn't care.

My problem is, I can't seem to let go. I think I might have felt the greatest love, but my life isn't over yet, was it really the one? I think I felt the greatest loss when that love died, but is it? I can't seem to get it out of my head. I know it happens to everyone, but how they cope, I don't know. I'm trying my damn hardest. But one year on, it feels fresh in my stupid brain. For now, I don't think I deserve anyone else. Simply because I don't want a replacement. I want to know I'll be okay, feeling what I feel with someone else without that nagging feeling at the back of my head that I love someone else.

posted by nori_b @ 11:49 PM