Dysfunctional Dreamer

Before I Pass Out...

I know I'm criminal for not blogging for so long...and why I chose to do it today, beats me..in my state of utter discomfort and breathlessness. The flu is passing around again, and lots of people I know are getting it, including me. Overdosing on Redoxon has helped a bit, and stinking up my nose with Vicks Vapourub is sooting the pain, but having to move my stuff to Luisa's yesterday to and fro totally killed my stamina(and back). All that moving about, and it was only 6pm and dark by the time I got back to Goncalo's..and had a good lie down while the house was cleaned up.

I am waiting to receive a phone call today,from one of the tenants at the new place I looking was looking at, which is 3mins down the road from Luisa. It's a fantastic place, big, airy,10 mins walk to school, the room is spacious...and I'd be living with 2 3rd yr illustration students if all goes well.I hope it does...I'm so mentally and physically exhausted to go and look around again...

Survival is going slowly, day by day...
God, please let this end already...

posted by nori_b @ 10:24 AM 2 comments

And then, another part of me feels this way..I wanna shout:

I don't care what you do.
I'm getting out , no nothing ever shames me.
Don't wanna thing from you
I'm going out, I don't care if you're angry.
I'm getting out, no nothing ever shames me.
I'm going out, I don't care if you're angry.
I should've thought things through.
I'm holding out, but not getting an answer.
I wanna do right by you.
I'm finding out, cheating gets it faster.
I'm holding out, not getting an answer.
I'm finding out that cheating gets it faster.
I'm holding out, but not getting an answer.
I'm finding out, cheating gets it faster.
I don't care what you do.'

-Jimmy Eat World

posted by nori_b @ 11:06 AM 3 comments

Believe In What You Want - Jimmy Eat World

'Don't bother going through your motions.
Nothing that makes sense ever works out.
Don't kid yourself, you know they want money.
Nothing can be good on its own merit.
Put your trust in simple acts.
Make the flyers get them up all over town.
Don't kid yourself, you know they want money.
Please keep in sight what makes you care.
You have it always.
Spinning and spinning.
Dancing in plastic, shake-up snow.
Do you believe in what you want?'

posted by nori_b @ 11:04 AM 0 comments

Will Somebody Please Shoot Me?

SCUM. I am SCUM. I fucked up just about everybody's timing, and now I'm paying for it.My landlord is obviously unhappy with me, and I suppose he has the right, even if it means I get kicked out of the room. It's my own fault, for not clarifying. I lost the house, because people disappoint me once again, and therefore not having enough cash to pay for the deposit, lost it to the estate agents. And the person who was trying so hard to save it for me, must distrust me so much now. Slowly, bits of my life is in reality, crumbling before my life, and I haven't even done much work for my project. Next week, I would have to work two extra days at work,on top of weekends to pay off my rent, which would be due, and what happens to my attendance in school? That's the least of my problems now...

What do I do?
I don't really know.

posted by nori_b @ 10:43 AM 0 comments

Shed My Skin And Be Somebody Else

I've realized: I was at a party just last Friday, and all I wanted to do, was be someone else. I don't feel as happy as the other people in the room, and there was no reason to be, when I am not in the same mental state as them (for they're filled with substances and less aware on the whole), or as sociable. I know, and I have been told, that I have to come to terms with this, but sometimes it is so hard, for other people to understand, no matter how hard you try to explain it to them. So I thought that this song was definately appropriate. I couldn't find a better way to say it, I know it seems very foolish to even think of such a bizzaire idea or concept, but it is befitting of what I feel, and sometimes I wish I *could* shed my skin and be somebody else. Someone more confident, perhaps someone more intruiging,someone who is a better conversationalist, and sometimes someone more intellectual. If only. How it would be so easy. There would be so many people I'd rather change places with. This is me, the sober spectator, this is me, feeling like I'm a failure.

Could I Be You- Matchbox 20

'Something is wrong with the sum of us
That I can't seem to erase
How can I be the only one
Without a smile on my face
Well now, you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can't even start to feel mine
Well, I'm standing in place
With my head first and I shake, I shake
I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles

You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive, yeah
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

This is the sound that I make
These are the words I chose
Somehow the right thing to say
Just won't come out'

posted by nori_b @ 10:46 AM 0 comments

There Goes my £1.

Yup, to Loot. Just to put an ad in the paper to advertise for my room. There wasn't much I could say, I was only allowed 100 letters and one picture.I just hope I get some good response soon. I'm so tired of all this worrying, I'm sure I'm gonna have massive wrinkles and lines by the time by birthday finally comes around...

So Halo's gone back to Bermuda for a few days,for a family emergency, and I need to give the downpayment for the house if I want it real soon. I don't know what's happening now, but I hate how everything is so fuzzy and unsure.

Had a small celebration of Hari Raya (Eid, as known to my friends here) last night, with my only two qualified 'family'- Luisa and Goncalo(I know this is weird, Portugueezers and Singy celebrating the end of Ramadan...what a joke), but we had fried rice and not much else. It was really nice being three again, and it felt, for at least once the whole week, a bit more sane.

I really am liking my job. Marta, Jo and Viqui, all Spanish, Yuko , Japanese, Nickolas (manager),english/polish, Tina and Dorothy, both Danish..yes, the whole list of who works with me.
They're really crazy people, and they sure know how to have fun on the job. I am so thankful that everything went all right in the end, and I didn't have to sacrifice my soul to Hobbs, for that would have been the end to my life. I look forward to weekend mornings in Covent Garden, before I head down to the Piazza where the shop is, and sit in my usual spot in front of the square and write or sketch, whichever I feel like. I do it weekly now, trying to make a good habit out of it, and so far, I haven't gone without. I'm glad that people that I work with, at least, do not feel the need to be superficial, unlike some people I know from school, and that they are genuinely supportive, like a family. The manager is having a play up this whole week at the Hen & Chicken Theatre, and we're probably going to go see it tomorrow.
We get to play our own music in the store as well, and yesterday all the girls brought their cd collection, so we took turns to play our stuff, and it's great, because all our taste we alike!They were saying that we should go hang out more often after work, and I'm sure it will be fun, since we talk mostly in the shop,and always have a laugh, so it should be good.

So then comes the bit about the other work- my project and the bit about how I'm quite stuck on it now....aaargh. And this morning, had PPD, whereby we had to do this exercise on editing a word document(*yawn), and go online to confirm our electives. So metalwork it is, then.I just hope I didn't accidentally click on something else above or below, knowing the klutz I am.
Won't that be a laugh, if I did.

posted by nori_b @ 11:31 AM 0 comments

What Makes You, You?

This tagline I got from a graphic design book I was desperately skimming through for ideas. It put a halt to my other thoughts and think.But really, what makes you, you? Is it the way you walk? The way you talk? The way you have to always double-knot your laces so that you'll never trip over them in embarrassment? Are you paranoid? Are you someone people find illusive or unrealiable? There is only to a limited amount we can perceive ourselves as a person. I think people generally see us more in a fish-eye lens perspective, reaching places we sometimes don't think about even. Though then comes the saying- you know yourself best. Or do you? I've always personally, think that people know me better than myself. But then again, if I cannot define what I am, and I'm all muddled up inside my head, what can others read from it that they can pinpoint what I am about? Hmm...and sometimes honest conversations bring to realization parts of yourself you didn't consciously know about.

I remember when I was younger, when we had to write in each other's autograph books, the ones often filled at the end of the year, in last desperate attempts to keep in touch (we seldom do, it was just for making up numbers and to see all the politically nice things people have to write about you-very good for the ego, though!), and I hated filling in the bits about favourite food, favourite colour, etc, etc....because, I find it hard to simply pick out one! And my tastes change as often as my moods...so why bother? Maybe that is why I stopped doing the whole autograph book thing, after some time, because do I really want people to falsify what I am to myself just because they were being 'nice'? NO. Fuck that!

*sigh* Politically correct people make for paper-thin friendships. I don't think I have that many true friends, but the ones I do at least I can count on them like I can diamonds- hardy and precious.As in the words of Charles Caleb Colton,writer -"The firmest of friendships have been formed in mutual adversity, as iron is most strongly united by the fiercest flame". Am I making sense? Someone please tell me, because this whole new project is messing with my head. /:

posted by nori_b @ 10:43 AM 0 comments

Its Either Me Or You

So I told her. The crazy psychobitch I live with. She started to cry, and obviously didn't take it very well, but I explained in all calm(which surprisingly I managed to control my temper) to her why we don't work out, and she went to her room to sulk afterwards.Things got really strained for some time, but it's better now. Such a big relief that that part is partially solved,I have decided to move out, but not till I get a replacement for my room.Now another part of my life is settled, and with the big crit going on today, and assessment going on till Monday, the rush for work is temporarily over. Thank goodness! There are suddenly lots of people who are born on the 7th and 8th November, so parties are due on the weekends after work, but since we don't have to be in on Monday, paaartty awwwayyy!

It's one of those days where my typing skills go fuzzy, due to the lack of sleep(seriously, I only slept 15mins from the moment I woke up yesterday), so my image of the world now is seen pretty wobbly thru half-open eyes. Not that it really matters now that my assessment is on the way, and there isn't anything I can do to change it, but ....*sigh*, I'm just relieved.

Am trying to concentrate on typing now, but my errors are starting to piss me off simply because my fingers are probably half dead too-all that cutting with the fuckoff thick cardboard, they have lost a bit of feeling in them. And yes, burning my hands on hot-from-the-oven fimo didn't help either. And this morning, I thought I saw my individual floor tiles had upside-down frowny smileys worked into the glaze.And they were everywhere! Oh god..I need some serious shuteye...

Will come in again for another entry when I'm slightly more sane and patient.
Ciao for now.

posted by nori_b @ 1:28 PM 0 comments