Suddenly Unsure
I don't know if the person who left me the previous message was Colin. I'm sensing it was, the fucker. If it wasn't, the person's still pretty much a fucker.
Not much has been going on in my head these days...trying to keep myself busy, to take my mind off things, suffering from repercussions of my results. Somewhat disappointed in myself, I could have done better. I question why things are so now. Worked the whole of Saturaday, Sunday and today (Monday), which is a bank holiday, so we get paid double. It would have been a nice fat paycheck if it hadn't been for the fuckin taxes. In desperate need of retail theraphy tomorrow and the following week..maybe get that nice pair of forest green Converse that I've been eyeing for sometime now. Shit, I'm working on Friday, again. *sigh* ):
I'm feeling a bit better, surrounded by friends, trying to keep sane. Occassionally, I lose myself, and have a good laugh with my colleagues. Been hanging out with them a little bit more now, and yesterday, had the best day of the week, by far. We(Feven, Irina and me) took a walk down the River Thames, after bumping into Halo, and Feven took us to this nice hide-away place near Tower Hill for dinner. The place was just be-au-ti-foool! It was basically a rich-people area, with a small area of the river, and yatchs just within our view. It was in the oldest pub in London, and the restaurant was built on the top floors. We had two halves of different pizzas (we could mix the variety), and Feven paid. Must go there again...this time, perhaps go earlier, chill out, and maybe just doodle. Haven't done that for ages.
My mind moves so slowly.
Will continue when it's finally making sense.
Dysfunctional Dreamer
Monday, May 31, 2004
Friday, May 28, 2004
Disappointment
Why does feeling upset make you want to throw up?
Does feeling mentally unwell make you physically sick too?
Why do people always disappoint me?
What fatalistic thing have I done to deserve all this?
Someone up there hates me.
I'm sure of it.
Why does feeling upset make you want to throw up?
Does feeling mentally unwell make you physically sick too?
Why do people always disappoint me?
What fatalistic thing have I done to deserve all this?
Someone up there hates me.
I'm sure of it.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Epiphany
This word has come up so many times in the conversations I've had over the past few days. Just to make sure that if I decide to use it in future context, at least I'd totally understood the meaning. As far as I can tell, there have been lots of these going around...
Courtesy of : Dictionary.com
e·piph·a·ny ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-pf-n)
n. pl. e·piph·a·nies
Epiphany
A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).
This word has come up so many times in the conversations I've had over the past few days. Just to make sure that if I decide to use it in future context, at least I'd totally understood the meaning. As far as I can tell, there have been lots of these going around...
Courtesy of : Dictionary.com
e·piph·a·ny ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-pf-n)
n. pl. e·piph·a·nies
Epiphany
A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).
Hitochi-ga-i-des (I Don't Know You)
There have been so many things going through my mind lately. Just finished reading "Any Human Heart" by William Boyd, and it's got me wanting to write so bad. It's inspired me to write, and the f***in computers in halls have just impeccable timing to break down!
Almost going insane, I have once more re-evaluated my life, and justify the purpose of my existence. I have so much emtional settlement to do, it's really mentally taxing. I'm on and off in a state of depression, and it's not really helping when all I wanted to do was get to a computer and type my life away, but I seem to have lost it all!*AAaaaaghhh!*
There have been a few revelations I've made, these past few days.
I have realized:
- that nobody can force me to socialize when I don't want to, it's safer that way I end up saving myself from embarrassment.
- that sometimes I feel I belong nowhere, but then, I have to be greatful for the friends who have stood by me countless times...
- that sometimes the most minute details you write in your diary reflect your honesty the most.
- that it is okay, to be alone.
- that (this is probably useless), but I can now curse and swear in five different languages.
- that being thrown into a country by yourself seems to speed up the growing process.
- that sometimes, I think, I don't even know what I'm capable of till someone tells me.
- that I still don't want to go home. It's looming disaster.
- je l'aime, mais il ne le sait pas
That is it...for now.
There have been so many things going through my mind lately. Just finished reading "Any Human Heart" by William Boyd, and it's got me wanting to write so bad. It's inspired me to write, and the f***in computers in halls have just impeccable timing to break down!
Almost going insane, I have once more re-evaluated my life, and justify the purpose of my existence. I have so much emtional settlement to do, it's really mentally taxing. I'm on and off in a state of depression, and it's not really helping when all I wanted to do was get to a computer and type my life away, but I seem to have lost it all!*AAaaaaghhh!*
There have been a few revelations I've made, these past few days.
I have realized:
- that nobody can force me to socialize when I don't want to, it's safer that way I end up saving myself from embarrassment.
- that sometimes I feel I belong nowhere, but then, I have to be greatful for the friends who have stood by me countless times...
- that sometimes the most minute details you write in your diary reflect your honesty the most.
- that it is okay, to be alone.
- that (this is probably useless), but I can now curse and swear in five different languages.
- that being thrown into a country by yourself seems to speed up the growing process.
- that sometimes, I think, I don't even know what I'm capable of till someone tells me.
- that I still don't want to go home. It's looming disaster.
- je l'aime, mais il ne le sait pas
That is it...for now.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Absolutely Dreary London
It's raining outside. I like the rain. Somehow it seems to wash away the happiness of the past few days, it seems surreal that it ever happened. I was only truly happy on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, some part of my head just fucked it up. I miss the comfort of my friends, people who have known me for ages, and not care what I am like. I can be free, be stupid, be annoying, be as random as I want - just be myself. Not that I don't like my friends here, it's just a little different. There's so much politics involved, and I guess in comparison, when you've known people for such a long time, all the initial games are over. All you get are people, raw-as raw as they come. That's the thing with starting over, sometimes you think you know them better, but there's always something else you discover after being with them that annoys or irritates you, and you wonder if you should be a bigger person and overlook it. There's also a feeling of not exactly belonging anywhere, and you feel uncertain whether these people genuinely care about you. I mean, one can't expect too much of a friendship built over seven months (or less), it is just not possible.(or is it?)
Sometimes the feeling of being torn between friends, loyalties being questioned...and I don't know how to respond.I can't even begin to comprehend on what basis I should try to rectify the situation, and once I've made the decision, who have I hurt? It makes me feel stupid(possibly look it too), and I hate that! People are so fragile. The over-analyze, read too much into things. People are such petty creatures sometimes. I fall into this category myself, and I do hate myself for it.
It feels like I'm twelve again, choosing sides, and not understanding. The peer pressure is on, when I really should be above all that.
Whoever said you get more worldly-wise as you get older ought to be shot.
It's raining outside. I like the rain. Somehow it seems to wash away the happiness of the past few days, it seems surreal that it ever happened. I was only truly happy on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, some part of my head just fucked it up. I miss the comfort of my friends, people who have known me for ages, and not care what I am like. I can be free, be stupid, be annoying, be as random as I want - just be myself. Not that I don't like my friends here, it's just a little different. There's so much politics involved, and I guess in comparison, when you've known people for such a long time, all the initial games are over. All you get are people, raw-as raw as they come. That's the thing with starting over, sometimes you think you know them better, but there's always something else you discover after being with them that annoys or irritates you, and you wonder if you should be a bigger person and overlook it. There's also a feeling of not exactly belonging anywhere, and you feel uncertain whether these people genuinely care about you. I mean, one can't expect too much of a friendship built over seven months (or less), it is just not possible.(or is it?)
Sometimes the feeling of being torn between friends, loyalties being questioned...and I don't know how to respond.I can't even begin to comprehend on what basis I should try to rectify the situation, and once I've made the decision, who have I hurt? It makes me feel stupid(possibly look it too), and I hate that! People are so fragile. The over-analyze, read too much into things. People are such petty creatures sometimes. I fall into this category myself, and I do hate myself for it.
It feels like I'm twelve again, choosing sides, and not understanding. The peer pressure is on, when I really should be above all that.
Whoever said you get more worldly-wise as you get older ought to be shot.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Hesitation
There has been this weird thing that's going on in my mind. I don't feel like going home. Ironic, because I already have my flight booked, and I even have the tickets in hand. By right, I should be all ready to go, I miss so many people back home. There must be something wrong with me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Listening to: Travis-Flowers In The Window
"When I first held you I was cold
A melting snowman I was told
But there was no-one there to hold before
I swore that I would be alone for ever more
Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Lets watch the flowers grow
There is no reason to feel bad
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold
But I am here to help you with the load
Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Lets watch the flowers grow
So now we're here and now is fine
So far away from there and there is time, time, time
To plant new seeds and watch them grow
So there'll be flowers in the window when we go..."
There has been this weird thing that's going on in my mind. I don't feel like going home. Ironic, because I already have my flight booked, and I even have the tickets in hand. By right, I should be all ready to go, I miss so many people back home. There must be something wrong with me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Listening to: Travis-Flowers In The Window
"When I first held you I was cold
A melting snowman I was told
But there was no-one there to hold before
I swore that I would be alone for ever more
Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Lets watch the flowers grow
There is no reason to feel bad
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold
But I am here to help you with the load
Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Lets watch the flowers grow
So now we're here and now is fine
So far away from there and there is time, time, time
To plant new seeds and watch them grow
So there'll be flowers in the window when we go..."
Breezy Sunny Days...
Monday morning : Got to sleep at 5am, doing work with Luisa and Goncalo, woke up some hours later at 9am, and prepared to go to school. Panicked, coz I ended up being 5 minutes late, phoned Cassie to make sure that I could still make it for submission. Was shaking as I labelled my work, and happily left afterwards.
Was invited to the bar for a drink with my first-term group,and my favourite tutor, Peter Nenchini insisted we go. Saw Goncalo's finished book, and it didn't look half bad.
Hung around for awhile,and since we had time to kill before 5pm, went to Pizza Express at Charing Cross for some food, and sat around the fountain at Trafalgar Square.It was a hot day, so we took off our shoes and dipped it in the fountain. Went back to college at 4pm, and sat in the bar, being anti-social with just my Lee and Camille, and Sheila and Katie joined us later. Stayed till 8pm, and went home.
Tuesday : Woke up really excited, was going to Hyde Park with Camille and Lee for a picnic, so packed some food, ripped up an old pillowcase to lie on, got out my shades and a book. Lee and Camille were there for the purpose of tanning, but I just wanted to chill out. Sheila and her friend, Tessa joined us later, it was amazing they found us anyway, since the park is so huge! Took loads of goofy pictures, sabotaging each other, and just lying down on the grass and chatting,being stupid, and listening to the radio, which Lee brought...(till it ran out of battery, that is...) Went down to Sloane Square, paid Esther a surprise visit,and had gelato at an Italian place nearby. Camille couldn't resist the Nutella flavoured one, which looked a lil pale, but she bought it anyway, and I just had to try the Ferrero Roche, and Lee the wild berries. Dropped by Waterloo, to the London Eye, to visit Halo, whom I've not seen for days, and got some chilled ice-blended drinks on the house. Waited for him to end work, while Camille left for a boat party(which I refused to attend), and Lee went home to watch some telly. Got home with Halo, and watched 'Boys Don't Cry' on video. Depressing film.
It was a perfect day, anyway. (:
Wednesday : Just can't have enough of the picnic fun, so we had to organize another one...this time round, at the schoolgrounds, just 2 minutes from Furzedown. Got over-excited, and cooked loads- Camille made some Quorn with peppers (yummy!), and I made tomato rice and Bruschetta (which is perfect picnic food, but it didn't even make it past the first hour of the picnic). Goncalo bought the chips and ingredients, and Luisa had to bring the missing secret ingredient: A tub of Philadelphia cheese. Stuffed ourselves silly, watched Aeroplane (which, by the way, was TERRIBLE and overrated, thanks to *someone* we know...), met up with Sheila, grabbed a mat, and headed downstairs. There was another group on the grounds, and it was strange, because we didn't know whether to join them or not, and somehow it's really stressful when you have to think about things like these. We ended up isolating ourselves in the corner, and later joining the bigger group...I hate when it gets this way, because somehow I don't feel like I belong anywhere, or that I'm just paranoid, but it's amazing how I'm capable of being anti-social. Took a lot of pursuading to get us to move over, and I don't know whether I was being a pain for refusing to. I just had to bear and grin it, and try my best to mingle. It's annoying, because even I don't know which type of crowd I deserve to be in. Ended up staying for almost the whole time, till early morning, although I can't say there weren't any uncomfortable silences inbetween. Perhaps I have only myself to blame. Not drinking nor smoking, nor taking weed...which everyone else was doing, (well, besides Camille, but she left early), is hindering my chances to mingle.
Maybe I should just stay indoors more often.
Monday morning : Got to sleep at 5am, doing work with Luisa and Goncalo, woke up some hours later at 9am, and prepared to go to school. Panicked, coz I ended up being 5 minutes late, phoned Cassie to make sure that I could still make it for submission. Was shaking as I labelled my work, and happily left afterwards.
Was invited to the bar for a drink with my first-term group,and my favourite tutor, Peter Nenchini insisted we go. Saw Goncalo's finished book, and it didn't look half bad.
Hung around for awhile,and since we had time to kill before 5pm, went to Pizza Express at Charing Cross for some food, and sat around the fountain at Trafalgar Square.It was a hot day, so we took off our shoes and dipped it in the fountain. Went back to college at 4pm, and sat in the bar, being anti-social with just my Lee and Camille, and Sheila and Katie joined us later. Stayed till 8pm, and went home.
Tuesday : Woke up really excited, was going to Hyde Park with Camille and Lee for a picnic, so packed some food, ripped up an old pillowcase to lie on, got out my shades and a book. Lee and Camille were there for the purpose of tanning, but I just wanted to chill out. Sheila and her friend, Tessa joined us later, it was amazing they found us anyway, since the park is so huge! Took loads of goofy pictures, sabotaging each other, and just lying down on the grass and chatting,being stupid, and listening to the radio, which Lee brought...(till it ran out of battery, that is...) Went down to Sloane Square, paid Esther a surprise visit,and had gelato at an Italian place nearby. Camille couldn't resist the Nutella flavoured one, which looked a lil pale, but she bought it anyway, and I just had to try the Ferrero Roche, and Lee the wild berries. Dropped by Waterloo, to the London Eye, to visit Halo, whom I've not seen for days, and got some chilled ice-blended drinks on the house. Waited for him to end work, while Camille left for a boat party(which I refused to attend), and Lee went home to watch some telly. Got home with Halo, and watched 'Boys Don't Cry' on video. Depressing film.
It was a perfect day, anyway. (:
Wednesday : Just can't have enough of the picnic fun, so we had to organize another one...this time round, at the schoolgrounds, just 2 minutes from Furzedown. Got over-excited, and cooked loads- Camille made some Quorn with peppers (yummy!), and I made tomato rice and Bruschetta (which is perfect picnic food, but it didn't even make it past the first hour of the picnic). Goncalo bought the chips and ingredients, and Luisa had to bring the missing secret ingredient: A tub of Philadelphia cheese. Stuffed ourselves silly, watched Aeroplane (which, by the way, was TERRIBLE and overrated, thanks to *someone* we know...), met up with Sheila, grabbed a mat, and headed downstairs. There was another group on the grounds, and it was strange, because we didn't know whether to join them or not, and somehow it's really stressful when you have to think about things like these. We ended up isolating ourselves in the corner, and later joining the bigger group...I hate when it gets this way, because somehow I don't feel like I belong anywhere, or that I'm just paranoid, but it's amazing how I'm capable of being anti-social. Took a lot of pursuading to get us to move over, and I don't know whether I was being a pain for refusing to. I just had to bear and grin it, and try my best to mingle. It's annoying, because even I don't know which type of crowd I deserve to be in. Ended up staying for almost the whole time, till early morning, although I can't say there weren't any uncomfortable silences inbetween. Perhaps I have only myself to blame. Not drinking nor smoking, nor taking weed...which everyone else was doing, (well, besides Camille, but she left early), is hindering my chances to mingle.
Maybe I should just stay indoors more often.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Celebration Long Overdue
HUrrrAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The final major project is OVER!!! All I have to do now is sit back, relax, and wait to be accessed....I'm sure I'll be fine,since I've not procrastinated this time round.
It's a great feelin!
Tomorrow onwards, it's party avenue!
*whoopie!* *cartwheels around*
HUrrrAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The final major project is OVER!!! All I have to do now is sit back, relax, and wait to be accessed....I'm sure I'll be fine,since I've not procrastinated this time round.
It's a great feelin!
Tomorrow onwards, it's party avenue!
*whoopie!* *cartwheels around*
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Anyway...
Just had my crit session for the Final Major Project, and let me tell you, it was nerve-wrecking! It's good to see that other people have not quite finished their pieces as well, so it's kinda reassuring. Everyone had good ideas, and we had to stick post-its on each other's work, commenting or asking questions about their development. I must say, it didn't go as badly as I thought!I just want to head back to halls...have to meet Bisola to get some stuff from her later on, but I really need to work on my final pieces.I have almost a week left, the submission is this coming Monday, and from then it will be party-highway!!!!!!
Gosh...I can't wait for it to be all over....
May have to slave a bit more on my job after that, since I can afford the time (maybe not the sanity), and basically I need the extra money. Hopefully, I'd earn about £500 by the end of the month, and I'm definately working on the next bank holiday, coz we get paid double. But before that, I wanna treat myself to some nice meals and celebrate...am quite sad that everyone will be going in different directions soon...I have to keep in touch with these people!!!
I can't wait to come home to my dear ones as well, even more so, since the time will be approaching soon. I miss my lil niece and nephew, and my family...and of course, the bitches and sluts (my FRIENDS,..haha..)! *shouts*- I MISS YOU GUYSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure so many things have changed since I've been home, and I'm sure when I'm back there, the feeling of being in London would be surreal...just like how Singapore is surreal to me now that I'm in London...
*jumps around excitedly*
OH well...at least I'm still on a constant high so far...lack of sleep, too much stress...somehow I've got a sinking feeling I'm going to be a couch potato for the rest of the month...*grin*
Just had my crit session for the Final Major Project, and let me tell you, it was nerve-wrecking! It's good to see that other people have not quite finished their pieces as well, so it's kinda reassuring. Everyone had good ideas, and we had to stick post-its on each other's work, commenting or asking questions about their development. I must say, it didn't go as badly as I thought!I just want to head back to halls...have to meet Bisola to get some stuff from her later on, but I really need to work on my final pieces.I have almost a week left, the submission is this coming Monday, and from then it will be party-highway!!!!!!
Gosh...I can't wait for it to be all over....
May have to slave a bit more on my job after that, since I can afford the time (maybe not the sanity), and basically I need the extra money. Hopefully, I'd earn about £500 by the end of the month, and I'm definately working on the next bank holiday, coz we get paid double. But before that, I wanna treat myself to some nice meals and celebrate...am quite sad that everyone will be going in different directions soon...I have to keep in touch with these people!!!
I can't wait to come home to my dear ones as well, even more so, since the time will be approaching soon. I miss my lil niece and nephew, and my family...and of course, the bitches and sluts (my FRIENDS,..haha..)! *shouts*- I MISS YOU GUYSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure so many things have changed since I've been home, and I'm sure when I'm back there, the feeling of being in London would be surreal...just like how Singapore is surreal to me now that I'm in London...
*jumps around excitedly*
OH well...at least I'm still on a constant high so far...lack of sleep, too much stress...somehow I've got a sinking feeling I'm going to be a couch potato for the rest of the month...*grin*
The Wet Biscuit
This story, I heard from my friends. Don't know how true this is, but it's just gross all the same.
Apparantly,schoolboys here in Britian have this game they play, called 'The Wet Biscuit'.
They stand in a circle, put a biscuit on the floor, in the center, and start jerking off onto the biscuit. The last one to come(poor kid) had to eat the biscuit with all the sperm on it.
How revolting!!!
Anyway, just thought I'd share. heh.
Just when you think things couldn't get any weirder...
This story, I heard from my friends. Don't know how true this is, but it's just gross all the same.
Apparantly,schoolboys here in Britian have this game they play, called 'The Wet Biscuit'.
They stand in a circle, put a biscuit on the floor, in the center, and start jerking off onto the biscuit. The last one to come(poor kid) had to eat the biscuit with all the sperm on it.
How revolting!!!
Anyway, just thought I'd share. heh.
Just when you think things couldn't get any weirder...
Friday, May 07, 2004
All In Light Of Dylan, Simon And Garfunkel...
Got this song off good ol' Bob....explains a lot of how friendships work...
Good shit.
"No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or tighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you."
- All I Really Want To Do, by Bob Dylan
Got this song off good ol' Bob....explains a lot of how friendships work...
Good shit.
"No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or tighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you."
- All I Really Want To Do, by Bob Dylan
Deliriously Delusional! For anybody who knows me,or is willing to, this is a peek into the world in my head. Fasten your seatbelts, it's gonna be a helluva ride! (:
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- This Life- Does It Always Have To Be An Ordeal?I a...
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