Dysfunctional Dreamer

Absolutely Dreary London

It's raining outside. I like the rain. Somehow it seems to wash away the happiness of the past few days, it seems surreal that it ever happened. I was only truly happy on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, some part of my head just fucked it up. I miss the comfort of my friends, people who have known me for ages, and not care what I am like. I can be free, be stupid, be annoying, be as random as I want - just be myself. Not that I don't like my friends here, it's just a little different. There's so much politics involved, and I guess in comparison, when you've known people for such a long time, all the initial games are over. All you get are people, raw-as raw as they come. That's the thing with starting over, sometimes you think you know them better, but there's always something else you discover after being with them that annoys or irritates you, and you wonder if you should be a bigger person and overlook it. There's also a feeling of not exactly belonging anywhere, and you feel uncertain whether these people genuinely care about you. I mean, one can't expect too much of a friendship built over seven months (or less), it is just not possible.(or is it?)

Sometimes the feeling of being torn between friends, loyalties being questioned...and I don't know how to respond.I can't even begin to comprehend on what basis I should try to rectify the situation, and once I've made the decision, who have I hurt? It makes me feel stupid(possibly look it too), and I hate that! People are so fragile. The over-analyze, read too much into things. People are such petty creatures sometimes. I fall into this category myself, and I do hate myself for it.
It feels like I'm twelve again, choosing sides, and not understanding. The peer pressure is on, when I really should be above all that.
Whoever said you get more worldly-wise as you get older ought to be shot.

posted by nori_b @ 2:23 PM