Dysfunctional Dreamer: April 2004

Friday, April 30, 2004

All The Unexpected...

Guess what? I'm stuck in college now, due to a bomb threat outside Camberwell. Was just leaving the place when Luisa told me that we're not allowed out because of a "suspicious package" across the road, in front of the cafe we always hang out at. I guess this partially means that Goncalo's wish is partly coming true (he wishes the school would burn down-except, of course, the Illustration studios, coz he just hates the place), but it's just strange not being able to leave, and having everyone else wait at the automated door for it to open. Thus, I seek refuge in the library, in hopes that I can get some fruitful writing done since I'm here.

Was supposed to go to the Design Museum with Camille today, but that doesn't seem possible, for I am not even sure how long they intend to keep us in here....

Yesterday was just horrid- lost my buspass on the 333, and had to run around jumping on and off buses to be able to find the one which had my buspass on it. It certainly didn't help that those lovely sunny days are over, and London's dark, dreary and wet all over again. Just a week ago, people were parading around in tank tops and flip flops, now everyone's back to being covered up from head to toe- out come those boots again. Anyways, I was wet and grumpy after walking around and running after buses...only reaching college at the unintended time of 12:30pm. *sigh*
Attempted to work on my project on the computers after lunch, but didn't get very far, with a massive migraine starting up. So, I journeyed home to a warm shower, pjs, and my bed. Didn't wake up, amazingly, till 7:30am today.

Two weeks to go, and no more projects!!!

Monday, April 26, 2004

Just A Day, One Of Those...

Beautiful ones, I guess.
It's sunny outside, a little breezy, I didn't have to rush to get to college, saw Cassie and Wil in class and did some catching up, had a laugh for old times sakes, did a little work,went to the park with Camille for lunch, found some swings, went swinging, talked about life, had a good laugh, observed squirrels, sat under the cherry blossoms, leisurely walked back to college, and here I am, writing about it.
It's been a lovely day.
Just hope the weather keeps up. (:

>>hello...
do you miss me?
I hear you say you do,
but not the way I'm missing you.

What's new?
How's the weather,
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you're so far,
Oh, would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind,
In my mind,
Would you go,
Would you go,
Kiss the rain?

> >Billie Myers- Kiss The Rain

Thursday, April 22, 2004

The Things I Miss Most...

kaya on toast
my mum's mee soto
roti prata
roti kirai
hongkong hor fun
chicken rice from Bugis!
my mum's curry puffs!!!
barley water
bandung
Delifrance's chicken mayo sandwich
Delifrance's chicken pie
sweet sour fish
iced milo
roti john from tp
Swensens
halal pizza!
ice cream on bread
the blueberry cheesecake from the Pacific Coffee Company at Citilink
Auntie Annie's blueberry muffins
waffles with peanut butter!
Soft fresh bread from the bakery at Bukit Batok!
Soya bean drink
parmesan pretzels with cheddar cheese
the crepes with caramel bananas from Marche!!!!!!
Tokiwado (japanese pancake)!

.....I can't go on....it's making me hungry AND upset!
geez...

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Chocolate Spectacular!

Monday, the first day of college, *sigh*.
Nobody was up for anything much, and the day started off slow. It's bad enough when I'm only having my tutorials on Tuesday, so there wasn't much for me to do except muck around. Then I came up with some bright idea of going to the Borders in Oxford St, which has Starbucks on the second floor, and you could bring any books to read from the store. Luisa bailed out on me, so I left with Goncalo. We decided to go for a chocolate spectacular (in dire need of cheering up,obviously), which was two tall hot chocolates, chocolate cheesecake and decadent chocolate cake. It made us a little dizzy afterwards, but it was goooooooooooood.

Should do this more often...if I had more money. Haha...can't wait to get paid.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

I Was Going Thru,...

I was going through some pictures I saw of some people I once knew. Funny how somethings happen, and made their lives so much happier. For some reason, happiness comes so easily for other people, and not me. Perhaps it's due to my own shortcomings that I make it complicated for myself. I only can once remember when I was truly happy, not too long ago. The world seemed less unfriendly, slightly more certain. Everywhere looked more picturesque. Nothing could put me down.

I long to feel that again. And then I will truly be happy.

This Should Be Good...

Had a good sales day today at Hobbs, the customers were mostly pleasant, went to Trafalgar Square later to visit my friends and hang out, got a f***ing huge cup of hot chocolate (with marsmallows!!) on the house from Costa Coffee...and plus, my dear friend Luisa is back....what more could I ask for? (:

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Ramblings Of A Vegetable

I have a confession. I have done nothing but lie in bed an vegetate for the whole week. I have barely stepped out of my room, and I somehow like it that way. I don't know what is wrong with me, it must be the mixture of depression and homesickness which is taking over me. I was dragged out to central london on Thursday, it looked like a promising day, somewhat sunny and breezy. Had to rush back in to put on more clothes, as it got chilly, and when we were finally out, it started to rain. Heavily. Talk about a cheering-up day. More like demoralizing and damp. Since then, I've always thought that those days when it's sunny outside, it's just to mock me, to lure me out, but no way am I falling into the same trap. I'll avoid it at all costs. Of course, at least till I really have *no* choice, that is, when college starts again, or when I have to go to work. *shite* /:

I should really be ashamed of myself, as my friend Lee says, my lazyness is unbecoming of me. He is right, but I've tried. I've been a good girl today and done a little portion of my project.
I'm feeling a lil' less guilty now. (:

Easter Sunday. Hmm...may have a pig-out with Saka....hmm..cheesecake... *yum*

The Art Of Losing Control (Or Not)

That certain Wednesday night, Esther delivered some extraordinary cookies to my room. They were not that great, really. I was waiting for the feeling of losing control to set in, but it never did. So we waited. Tried jumping on my bed, as requested by my friend, but that didn't help either. Took a walk, nothing happened. All I felt was sick in the stomach. I was all worn out, but not high, and disappointed.

It's a terrible thing, when what you desire most is the loss of self-control, and you find out that your body has a high tolerance to alcohol and drugs. So much for trying.

Friday, April 09, 2004

Thanks Zaihan. *smiles*

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]

Monday, April 05, 2004

It's Not Just My Tooth That Is Aching...

I am angry, but I can't say it out loud.
I am sad,
but I can't and shouldn't say why.

You can never know what hurts me so bad,
Or do you pretend,
feign ignorance so as to not hurt yourself?

I don't doubt your sincerity,
Pushing through my troubles
As though they were my own, but why?

Why does it give me reason
To cling onto something
I wasn't sure was there, for am I just a fool?

This fool sometimes hallucinates
About the perfect world,
assuming someday, it will be mine soon.

gfm

Nasta: Slussen
(Next Stop: Slussen)

Slussen is the tube stop which was nearest to where we stayed while we were in Sweden. After five days enjoying the life and boat-hopping in the freezing cold, we've still not gotten enough. It was such a laid-back trip- we did whatever we wanted, took our own time, did some crazy things together and laughed out loud whenever we felt like it. The gush of excitement never ceased, be it good or bad (we almost missed our flight to AND from Stockholm, only making it by a mere 15 minutes grace each). The highlight of the trip, was of course, flying over the 14 islands of Sweden (or was it just Stockholm?) and looking out of the aeroplane to see the sea below beautifully frozen. Solid. And the waves looked like they were from a nature documentary, being stopped halfway in motion as though someone pressed the pause button on the telly. That was just how cold it was. There was falling snow almost everyday we were there, but it was just lightly falling, not the blizzard-thick kind. It was the most beautiful thing ever. It feels even more magical when you've had such a fulfilling traditional Swedish meal, and it's night time, walking past the colourful reflections on the surface of the water by the jetty, and there you are, walking back to the boat, in the snow. It was just so amazing. For once, I saw what each snowflake looked like, and I swear, they are all different. Some whimsical part of me felt it looked like tiny falling stars.

In Stockholm, you could walk pretty much to anywhere you wanted to go, because the distance between each station is so small, it didn't take that much effort. It was pretty nice weather ( it must me just me getting used to the cold), and I guess with good company, you don't really care. We went around looking for art supply stores, vintage stores, and just small little lanes of stores with knick-knacks from all over. Sweden's the place to be for design, and gosh, it was design heaven! All the shop fronts were immaculately done, the packaging for even the simplest of foods were obviously put through so much thought (I'm just not too sure about the taste), and the interior decor shops were just to die for. To my pals from IAD, this I have to say- you would have loved it there! (:

To write a blow to blow encounter of my days in Stockholm is just going to eat up so much space and time, therefore, I shall tell you guys about it when I go home. It was definately a well-deserved trip, and much needed. I had such a great time, I didn't want to return to London (*gasp**!!).

Ah well, that was about two weeks ago. Now it's just back to normal from here.
If, this is normal.

Totally Appropriate

Listening to: Jann Arden- You Don't Know Me

"You give your hand to me And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too"

Dysfunctional Dreamer