Dysfunctional Dreamer

This Life- Does It Always Have To Be An Ordeal?

I am in miserable shape. Always. I don't know what keeps me from being happy, laughing without feeling hollow, move on with things in a positive manner and not get hooked up on old feelings. Does telling oneself that things are going to be okay- the trickery of the mind, will eventually make everything seem okay? I know, it's all in my head. I don't need people telling me what I already obviously know. I have done everything that is essentially in self-help books (or the ones which basically point out that we already know the answer to all our troubles, if only we used our common sense...ok this point is pretty redundant...), surround yourself with positive people, to feel good about yourself. It works, but for how long?

Feelings are such complicated things. Why does a person feel extreme sadness, then extreme joy? If one doesn't know happiness or sadness well, how would one recognize it? There is always a possibility that it could plummet even deeper. When? Nobody knows. One can only compare extremities of such feelings to the other experiences in one's life. It could be the happiest-yet. Or saddest. It's like a constant spot-check of the emotional state of being. I really wished I didn't care.

My problem is, I can't seem to let go. I think I might have felt the greatest love, but my life isn't over yet, was it really the one? I think I felt the greatest loss when that love died, but is it? I can't seem to get it out of my head. I know it happens to everyone, but how they cope, I don't know. I'm trying my damn hardest. But one year on, it feels fresh in my stupid brain. For now, I don't think I deserve anyone else. Simply because I don't want a replacement. I want to know I'll be okay, feeling what I feel with someone else without that nagging feeling at the back of my head that I love someone else.

posted by nori_b @ 11:49 PM 0 comments

Overdose On Decadence- Is There Such A Thing?

I have never eaten as much decadent food in my 25 years of existence as I have for the past week. Currypuffs, springrolls, mee soto, beef steak, nasi lemak, chocolate gateaux, strawberries and cream, Nandos...the list goes on..mostly thanks to my mother being here for the past week. The chocolate gateaux is courtesy of Don, who bought it as a celebratory cake for my graduation (thanks hunny!) is still in the fridge, because we are still too busy stuffing our faces with all the other gastronomic delights.

After they leave me this Sunday, we are all going on a DIET- of salad, vegetables and maybe cous cous. And walk a lot. Exercise.
I feel like a beached whale, pregnant with quadruplets. I probably look it too. If I could stand to stay at home, I will. I want the sun to be out so I can walk from Covent Garden to home when I work next week, save for the blisters which I have aquired from the test of heels which I wore for graduation yesterday.

Graduation. This is so much that I will say about it- If I ever do a Masters, I vow never to go to the graduation ceremony again. NEVER. That hat, the gown, the hassle, the two seconds on stage...I kept thinking I will trip up an down the stairs. Of course, it never happened. The attire drove me insane, it being a hot day outside and a gown which didn't allow my skin to breathe, a hat which gave me a headache, the whole thing did nothing for my figure. I looked like a boy- with the short hair and all, I couldn't feel any more disgusted with myself. I just wanted to go home and step out of everything into my pjs and spend the day in bed. My classmates looked good- which is a shame I couldn't say the same about myself. Besides looking like a boy, I looked like a fat ball of a boy. *sigh* And to think I spent so much time thinking about my outfit underneath, my crisp white shirt, striped trousers, suspenders and a pair of kick-ass brown wedges. This, added on to the uncomfortable meeting of friends' parents, lots of picture-taking, posing...pretending to be happy. Couldn't be further from the truth. I was just relieved once it was over. My dear friend Hye Su, shared my sentiments that we should have just stayed in bed. I hate formal affairs. Although, when I was sitting in line waiting for my class to be called up and go on stage to collect our parchments, I thought, if I ever had kids, I'd be so proud if we made it to their graduation day and I'd be equally annoying to them, although secretly sniggering inside that I know how torturous it is for them. Yeah, I'm gonna make a great parent, if I ever make it at all.

So now it's late. Time for the whale to roll over and go to bed. ):
I hate that I feel this way. Maybe I'll disappear into the crack between my bed and wall tonight. Then nobody will see me.

posted by nori_b @ 11:45 PM 0 comments

Smile Off

I think I don't smile enough. I wonder if I smiled more often, people will find me more approachable, especially if I want people coming up to talk to me (men). Thing is, I don't want some creepo to come talk to me. But how can you tell?

I think I should smile more anyway. But there doesn't seem to be anything to motivate me to smile, be a happier person.
I guess I should try anyway, shouldn't I?

posted by nori_b @ 9:56 PM 0 comments

I Should Be Sleeping, Really...But My Random Thoughts Will Have To Do For Now...

It's late. Again. There are so many books I could be reading to aid me along to Lala-land, but I refuse. Instead, I am semi-fresh, from my warm shower and watching some shite high-school movie. Despite being comfortable and tucked in, I can't seem to sleep.

My dear mother and sister are going to land in London in two days for my graduation. They will be staying for 13 days, but all I have been thinking about is home food. A little piece of home will come to me again. I get homesick so easily these days. I feel a part of me is not quite complete without friends, family and loved ones.

Things have been rough with one of my housemates, the antisocial fuck. So coming home has been a little bit of a bore. His presence repulses me. But that story shall be saved for another day. If I were to tell it now, it'll only be made up of endless strings of profanities. Not very pretty.

Otherwise, it's been strange being out of university. I should be looking for a job, but somehow progress is slow. Actually, I know why it is so, but have no will to change it, perhaps I lack motivation. But all I need is a good kick up the ass. I really do.

I know why I'm not asleep now. It's too hot. It's hard to fall asleep in a room on the top floor that is this warm.

posted by nori_b @ 1:11 AM 0 comments

Never Knowing If...

Life's been kinda strange lately. I can't say that I'm expressing discontent, but I am not contented either. I am simply in limbo about my life as it stands currently. As it is, the end of school (for good this time) and the beginning of summer means planning and lots of it. My mum and sis will be making their way here in a few days and I see them again after a year. So much has changed.

But the main content of this entry will not be about them. While walking down the school corridors one day, I passed one of my classmates whom I've never talked to since the beginning of the course- but they smiled. A courteous, mandatory polite-I-know-who-you-are kinda smile. And of course, I smiled back. But why is it that we never talked? Neither of us are repulsed by each other, surely, because that kind of behaviour is one that only a very ruthlessly judgemental person is capable of. But why, why with the space of three long years and hundreds of projects in between, we never talked? This doesn't bother me. I am merely piqued by it. I can't help but think- if I had made more of an effort and mingled more with other people, would my university experience be vastly different? Would it have been more enjoyable? Would I have made friends for life? Or would it have put me off English people more because of their party-till-you're-pissed-drunk-everynight ways? Would I even fit in?

Perhaps this is why I don't bother. In times like these I trust my gut. I'm happy with the few friends I've made, because we enjoy the same things and enjoy our times sober. We're a bit boring, but boring is good. We know how to have fun without any help of intoxicants. But there are, however, more people in my class that are like that. I've only found out now, given the chance to talk to them. I regret. I regret I didn't try harder to get to know people. I don't need to impress or am dying to make more friends, but what harm can a chat and a laugh do? It makes working together bearable. Make the best of a bad situation, if the need arises.

It took me three years to learn this lesson. And learnt it I have.

posted by nori_b @ 11:16 PM 0 comments

Just When I Thought It Was All Over...

It's been a busy few weeks, trying to catch up on sleep, have fun and catch up with friends. Sadly, in the next few weeks, two of my good friends are leaving the country, I will miss having a laugh (which always ends in stitches) with them!

Otherwise, I seem to be rushing to and fro setting up my final year show, yes, this is the FINAL FINAL one...so imagine the pressure~! The opening day for the exhibition was on Saturday and tonight is the private view. Now I need to get my namecards ready to pass out to the industry people.

Haven't been sleeping well lately. I go to bed early, but seem to be tossing and turning a lot during the night. I guess it's probably just nerves, as I'm getting my results tomorrow! TOMORROW!!! My final year results!!! AAAARGGGHHH!!!!!

posted by nori_b @ 9:02 AM 0 comments

Let Go Of The Memories, Anger...

Let go of the past. If I don't let go of the memories, I can't let go of the past and can't get on with my life. I refuse to let someone else decide how I feel and how it will channel my life.

Let go. I will.

posted by nori_b @ 10:13 PM 0 comments